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[17 Dec 2004|07:03pm] |
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i'm making a new lj and making it friends only. please please PLEASE comment on that once i get the username posted here, because i had so many entries to delete and im sick of this username.
i'll comment on your journal and let you know.
EDIT: NEW LJ NAME IS _sugarplumfairy.
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[21 Aug 2004|07:53pm] |
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A Poem For Those Who Are Hurting
For Children Who Were Broken
it is very hard to mend......
Our pain was rarely spoken
and we hid the truth from friends.
Our parents said they loved us,
but they didn't act that way.
They broke our hearts
and stole our worth,
with the things that they would say.
We wanted them to love us.
We didn't know what we did
to make them yell at us
and hit us,
and wish we weren't their kid.
They'd beat us up and scream at us
and blame us for their lives.
Then they'd hold us close inside their arms
and tell us confusing lies
of how they really loved us --
even though we were BAD,
and how it was OUR fault they hit us,
OUR fault that they were mad.
When days were just beginning
we sometimes prayed for them to end,
and when the pain kept coming,
we learned to just pretend
that we were good
and so were they
and this was just
one of those days ...
tomorrow we'd be friends.
We had to believe it so.
We had nowhere else to go.
Each day that we pretended,
we replaced reality
with lies, or dreams,
or angry schemes,
in search of dignity ....
until our lies
got bigger than the truth,
and we had no one real to be
Our bodies were forsaken.
With no safe place to hide,
we learned to stop
hearing and feeling what they did to our outsides.
We tried to make them love us,
till we hated ourselves instead,
and couldn't see a way out,
and wished that they were dead.
We scared ourselves by thinking that,
and scared ourselves to know,
that we were acting just like them --
and might ever more be so.
To be half the size of a grown-up
and trapped inside their pain....
To every day lose everything
with no savior or refrain...
To wonder how it is possible
that God could so forget
the worthy child you knew you were,
when you had not been damaged yet ...
To figure on your fingers
that the years till you'd be grown
enough to leave the torment
and survive away from home,
were more than you could count to,
or more than you could bear,
was the reality we lived in
and we knew it wasn't fair.
We who grew up broken
are somewhat out of time,
struggling to mend our childhood,
when our peers are in their prime.
Where others find love
and contentment,
we still often have to strive
to remember we are worthy,
and heroes just to be alive.
Some of us are healing.
some are stealing.
Most are passing the anger on.
Some give their lives away to drugs,
or the promise of like beyond.
Some still hide from society.
Some struggle to belong.
But all of us are wishing
the past would not hold on
so long.
There's a lot of digging sown to do
to find the child within,
to love away the ugly pain
and feel innocence again.
There is forgiveness
worthy of angel's wings
for remembering those at all,
who abused our sacred childhood
and programmed us to fall.
To seek to understand them,
and how their pain became our own,
is to risk the ground we stand on
to climb the mountain home.
The journey is not so lonely
as in the past it s been ...
More of us are strong enough
to let the growth begin.
But while we're trekking
up the mountain
we need everything we've got,
to face the adults we have become,
and all that we are not.
So when you see us weary
from the day's internal climb ...
When we find fault
with your best efforts,
or treat imperfection
as purposeful crime ...
When you see our quick defenses,
our efforts to control,
our readiness to form a plan
of unrealistic goals ...
When we run into a conflict
and fight to the bitter end,
remember ...
We think that winning means
we won't be hurt again.
When we abandon OUR thoughts
and feelings,
to be what we believe YOU
want us to,
or look at trouble we re having,
and want to blame it all on you...
When life calls for new beginnings,
and we fear they re doomed to end,
remember...
Wounded trust is like a wounded knee--
It is very hard to bend.
Please remember this
when we are out of sorts.
Tell us the truth, and be our friend.
For children who were broken...
it is very hard to mend.
-Dana Munkirs
Holy shit...
That poem is the saddest damn thing I've read in a long time.
My friend Emily from TH showed it to me.
It really hit me hard. Story of my life, it seems.
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[20 Aug 2004|10:27am] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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the stills - lola stars and stripes |
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i want to go back to school. im way bored. not cool.
this summer has sucked time a billion.
there's nothing much to write about. my life is super boring.
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[18 Aug 2004|08:13pm] |
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mood |
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 creative |
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music |
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modest mouse - float on |
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i'm mad at my mom again, i got myself a new icon, and im working on thig huge project thing write now so i might not have lots of time to update this. i'm doing the project for me and no one else. don't ask to see it. you might be able to find it on your own. then, and only then, will you be able to see it. im doing it to help me understand certain things, and i don't think any of it will matter to you. if you have a small mind, then you won't even understand it so don't bother.
im too much of a smart cookie for you.
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[15 Aug 2004|02:23pm] |
todays been boring but yesterday was fun. we took sean to the zoo and they were so cute (the animals and sean). i don't feel like typing much, though so...whatever.
xoxo sara
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[13 Aug 2004|03:35pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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sarah mclachlan - angel |
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i couldn't sleep at all last night. i sat up all night thinking about stuff and crying. i thought about my grampa the most. i miss him so damn much. i'd give anything to have him back.
-sigh-
everyone's in canada or up north. im going to the zoo tomorrow. blah blah blah...
-sara
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[12 Aug 2004|06:39pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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music |
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Broken Bones |
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my friends are making me sad. lots of them. my parents are making me sad. it's hard to explain, really. i don't wanna go into detail. my mom is really hurting my feelings today. i hate her right now. i cant stand it. nothing feels right anymore. im not happy.
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[12 Aug 2004|03:10pm] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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i was gonna write that i hated my mom, but i'm not that mad at her anymore. i dunno...i'll never forgive her for what she said to me. it hurt so much, still, she's an idiot. what can you do?
i found something that really interested me and it's exciting. i have to check it out more. i was kinda into it before but i never really knew any of the meanings or anything. it's pretty cool, but im still kinda confused and i don't know much about it.
i'm undecided on something. it's bugging the hell outta me. some people are trying to hook me up with this one guy, and i'm just not sure anymore. i haven't seen the kid in so long and...aaah!!! i just don't know. there's another reason why im not so sure, but i'm not gonna talk about that.
moms coming downstairs to bitch at me and stuff with my dad is getting a bit better i guess.
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[10 Aug 2004|12:21pm] |
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mood |
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 okay |
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music |
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puddle of mudd - spin you around |
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um...yeah. things are a little bit better i guess. dad's in livonia for the week so i don't really have to deal with his shit for a while. thanks you guys. :) you made me feel tons better. i love you and you're the best friends in the world.
ally, i'll buy you something! lol i feel bad.
i have nothing to write about. oh wait, i do. randy and holly's house was fun. we played games all night and then holly took me to kenny and heathers to go swimming. crazy gramma was being annoying again and trying to make us do all this work and yelling at us. she called holly's cell at 7AM to make us get up and work. ken and heather's pool was so freaking warm. it was scary. i had and um...weird experience that day but it didn't involve SOMEONE it involved SOMETHING and ally knows. it was scary and i cried. it won't happen again. *shudders*
xoxo sara
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[05 Aug 2004|10:28pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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the killers - somebody told me |
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i am so sick of this. i don't know how much longer i'm gonna put up with this. i swear to god, he is the most horrible man on this planet. my fucking father is a fucking moron. his entire life revolves around making mine miserable. all he does is put me down and insult me like i'm some piece of trash. i have feelings dad, and believe it or not, i do have a brain! god, that's a shocker. let me tell you something, dear father. im probably smarter than a lot of people my age. do you remember when i was in the spelling bee? when you told me that my four year old brother was smarter than me and that i was just "book smart?" how about the time when i was talking politics with uncle, and you brushed it off and said i read all my stuff on the internet? you can't keep brushing it off forever. someday you'll stop being in denial and you'll come to the conclusion that i am, in fact, smarter than you. what do you do all day? you sit in your office in the basement, claim you're doing work, and look at porn. you think i don't know about half the shit you do that mom doesn't know about? like i said, i have a brain. the little games you play with this family disgust me. the way you brag about all the money you get for doing absolutely nothing makes me sick to my stomach. the way both of you are so biased, unfair, and prejudiced makes me want to leave this house and never come back. if i could, i would call child services one of these days. i'm sure they'd be happy to know that my own father took away my bedding, threw it in the snow, and told me to fetch like i was some kind of animal. im sure they'd be please to find out about how you threaten to not feed me and to stop buying clothes and shoes and force me to go to school in clothes too small. how about when you told me to sleep in that spider hotel you people call a basement? or how you abuse my dog? you are a verbally abusive, egotistical maniac. you've succeeded okay? you can stop trying to make my life a living hell. i've tried to "bond" with you. it didn't work at all. you just go back to your regular shit. words cant express how much i hate you right now.
if you can't understand the big words, please fuck off. i'm not in the mood to explain my little rant to you.
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[05 Aug 2004|06:37pm] |
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mood |
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 weird |
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music |
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scorpions - rock you like a hurricane. it's moms. |
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so we went to randy's um...birthday bash. it was at grammas house and marsha was there and of course holly was there so gramma had to get a picture of them with the ring. we had cake which was icky, ice cream which was icky, and pizza which was ok. then we talked about a lotta shit that i cant remember, and holly invited me over to her and randy's house. so i'm goin over there saturday and sleeping over and me and holly are gonna go swimming at kenny and heather's house and then me and randy are gonna play doom 3 all nite. hahaha...computer nerds! no, seriously. he says the game is scary as fuck, so he's making me play it. im gonna have nightmares for weeks. brandy lynn's up at her dumbass father's house for the week, so i might not get to see her. that sucks. oh well. the contractors are still here and ally's goin out with jacob. fun fun! im gonna go grab some food and go somewhere...idk but i really wanna go to the library and mom still won't let me. whatever.
xoxo sara
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[03 Aug 2004|09:17pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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music |
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Shinedown - 45 |
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This bitch is a bitch.
lyke, omgz!!! nerdz? omg lyke god forbid yewz lyke nerdz!!!
( Cue the eye rolling. )
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[03 Aug 2004|09:03pm] |
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mood |
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cold |
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music |
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bowling for soup - 1985 |
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ugh...man, i dunno anymore. today's randy's birthday and it really got me thinkin. i just wanna be one big happy family again, but i kinda want holly to be a part of it too. it's so hard and so confusing. my uncle and i are growing farther and farther apart. my mood and my life have improved a bit. well, i dunno about my life. i guess you could say its doing good. i just wanna make more friends. in high school, i wanna be confident. i'm too fucking shy. it's holding me back. mom's getting better. way better. try improvement times a thousand. me and mary were talking and i thought about alex, who still thinks im mad at him. im not mad at you alex. ally um...conversed with a special someone and finally got the thing shes been waiting for for two weeks. congrats ally, lol. she feels like a pimpette today. listen al, i still beat you at tubing. and im 26 days older than you. i'm gonna go check alex's journal, see if he updated.
xoxo sara
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| my mom makes me mad |
[03 Aug 2004|01:10pm] |
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mood |
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sick |
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music |
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quiet riot - cum on feel the noise |
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my mom forgot to pick up my food yesterday, so she took me to 7/11 with her after she was done voting. now we're back home and the electricians are here making a lot of noise. it's like nails on a chalkboard and its terrible. oh well. i got chocolate and slurpees so i'll be fine. mom said shes getting me a cell phone in two weeks and that i can use it to talk to my friends...not just the family. thank god. i was starting to think she was gonna be a bitch forever. but now my knee hurts, so i get sympathy. ;)
i need to be like...carried up the stairs. its crazy. im too tall. i wanna be shorter. :\
xoxo sara
i cant wait to have my cell!!
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[02 Aug 2004|05:57pm] |
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mood |
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moody |
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music |
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story of the year - anthem of our dying day |
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oops! god, i haven't updated this bitch in forever. so my weekend was good. i went over to ally's for her birthday. got her maroon 5 and story of the year cds. i want them for myself. she got a bunch of goodies and they were all real cool. we saw the blue moon, lol. we hung out with jj, and i went to 711 and got a pint of ice cream and wasted money on plastic spoons even though they had them in the back. i ate the whole pint, but ally stole some. then i was mean to jj and he ran away from us. he got pissed at me i guess. ally texted him some shit. said i was being mean. i don't care. gotta live with this pmsing bitch jj. sorry, but damn it i'm pissed off right now. ill explain later. anyways the next day we went tubing with ally's annoying sister and her annoying friend. no one could top my tubing. no, i was the best for sure. ally found out who dies in harry potter. i got a bad sunburn, and it hurts. plus my knees all fucked up and i woke up this morning barely able to walk. mom called the doctor and i gotta go in later on. i guess i messed it up in dance, because it's been like that since the middle of my last year at the dance studio. me and kat are gonna take our ballet class together this year! lol. she's goin to vegas. kat...yeehaw. anyways my braces hurt, my knee hurts, my sunburn hurts, and im miserable and moody. mom went to get me ice cream, though, so im cool. i screamed at dad and i dont even know why. not a good day. oh yeah, and the contractors finally came and now the kitchen is a bunch of ripped up wood and shit. we dont have any food. we got takeout for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. stupid kitchen guys. im tired and shaky for some reason. gonna go. if you want details about the party, screw you. go to ally's journal you mfers.
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[16 Jul 2004|12:45pm] |
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mood |
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 ecstatic |
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music |
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ICE ICE BABY! |
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i'm goin over to kat's house today. i gotta get ready, but i need to tell someone so i'll put it here.
RANDY AND HOLLY GOT ENGAGED!
Hee...yay! She was like...sooo hyper. She called me and she was laughing and crying and screaming and I was just..."BREATHE, HOLLY!"
OH MY GOD THIS MEANS BRANDY LYNN'S MY COUSIN NOW! hee...yay!
ok, doin my makeup and headin over to kat's.
xoxo sara
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[12 Jul 2004|09:35am] |
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mood |
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uncomfortable |
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music |
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afi - girl's not grey |
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AAAH! i spent a long time on that little quiz thing. oh well. it got fucked up and its gone now! so today my moms making me play with sean at the playground at the civic center. the kids there can be so annoying. but ok, whatever. anything for sean. omg, i finally got my mp3s to work. it's about fucking time! i might go work out today at lifetime. come and watch me be pathetic.
xoxo sara
THIS JOURNAL IS PISSING ME OFF SO MUCH! GOD, IT KEEPS FUCKING UP!
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| wow. |
[11 Jul 2004|01:54pm] |
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mood |
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angry |
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music |
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white stripes - black math |
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that last one was the longest entry ever. i just got in trouble for nothing, again. and my mom wont let me download this one song that i LOVE. it's parental advisory. like i havent heard the words in that song before. jesus. what the hell? she's so stupid. i really can't stand them right now. i'm about to have a fucking nervous breakdown.
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| thank you times a billion kat! |
[11 Jul 2004|12:04pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
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music |
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system of a down - prison song |
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oh yeah! and kathleen made my journal all nice and pretty for me. thank god.
THANKS KATHLEEN!
xoxo sara
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